Today is Wednesday, and I am hoping it will be a great day....

Good Morning everyone. Well, it is 4:27am here on the east coast of the Carolinas.  I am up and awake as usual.  See, my Schizophrenia has caused my sleep patterns to change, no longer am I this late nighter... I go to bed fairly (actually really) early, and wake up just as early, but much of the time, I do get my full 8 hours of rest.  I do wake up several times in the night, often wanting a cigarette, but generally I am at my best in the morning...these weee hours of the morning... I love to wake up around three a.m. and start my day, while it is quiet in the house and also outside.  I realize I missed blogging yesterday, sorry folks, had some issues.  Issues?  Yes, issues.  Not symptom specific issues, just, well, okay, I HAD to go shopping at the mall..... That is something I am trying very hard to control...my spending habits.  I am on a fixed income, so it is hard to spend, spend, spend.  But, it is the holidays, and I decided to get some gifts (and of course, a few items for myself ;).... Anyway, In people with mental illnesses such as Schizophrenia and especially BiPolar disorder, spending money can be a BIG issue.  I have always had the tendency to overspend, but never knew why... now I do.  I mean, how many pairs of shoes do I really need?  I have bins and bins full of shoes...also purses... I am a collector..haha.  Do I wear all of these shoes and purses? Hardly, but I HAVE to have them.  I am also a thrift store "junkie".  You can find some great deals on great, barely if at all used items at rock bottom prices.  They know me there well.  But I digress... Today, I wanted to say a little something about schizophrenia...yes, schizophrenia.  That's why you're reading this, right?  I hope so anyway, however, I want to touch on an aspect of schizophrenia that many do not understand.  Lonliness.  The need to fill a void.  This IS an issue for schizophrenics, I know, because, well, I am schizophrenic. Paranoid type.  I guess that is why i brought up the shopping issue, as while I was shopping, I was exhilirated, I felt wonderful, excited, happy.  But, was I really happy or just filling a void.   I mean, I have more shoes that I know what to do with, clothes up the gazoo, and a purse for every day of the year practically.  Then, why don't I use them?  Well, I don't know.  It is the sense of fulfillment I receive from attaining these inanimate objects.  I get excited over great deals, I don't care if I have 20 pairs just like it, I NEED these too.... Yes, the social phobia seems to dissipate when I am shopping, when I can spend money. This baffles me, I am still working on figuring this one out.  Back to lonliness.  So, many of us living with schizophrenia are lonely.  Whether we live with one hundred people or no one, we are lonely.  It is a lonliness on the inside.  A feeling that no one understands us.  Also, there is the social-phobia issue.  So many things, issues, surrounding schizophrenia.  I mean, as a rule, I do not have many friends....not that I am not friendly or non-approachable... I am.  I just have this feeling inside that keeps me at an arms distance from building friendships.... Online, not a problem.  I have many friends, many who are afflicted with the same illness I have, and it is easy to communicate.  I do have a lot to offer, though most people will not ever get to know that. I do suffer from social anxiety,  though it has been improving.  I will touch more on this topic of lonliness later on, as it is an issue. Amongst others.  Many others.  So, I hope you keep reading, as I will keep writing.  By the way, did I tell you i am writing a book about Schizophrenia?  Yes, I am writing a book. Not to make money, but to help people, and all the proceeds are going to charity.  I will disclose more as the book comes along.  I hope everyone has a great day, and I am always available if anyone needs to talk about their bout with schizophrenia, or just needs someone to talk to.  Talk again later- Stay Tuned as they say....... Erica