College Time??? This is not as easy as is sounds.....

Okay, so it  is college time, and for a person like myself, this is a very difficult issue.  Being schizophrenic, I have found that, especially for the first few weeks, college is a major overload.  Ths first issue, as with any situation, is being around lots of people and because of my paranoia, I am highly sensitive in this situation.  Today was registration issue day, meaning that if you needed to drop or add a class, had to register for a class, and so on, this was the day one does it.  Well, needless to say, the entire area was packed full of students, some with their small children, some with their spouses or friends, just an enormous amount of people. MAJOR overload.  I waited 2 hours in line, to do this drop/add registration.  On top of all of this, then there is the line for the college bookstore.  Another two hours of waiting, surrounded by people.  I began to panic to a large degree and just absolutely had to get out of there.  However, I waited, seemingly endlessly, to do these tasks.  Not to mention, that I also had major symptom flare-ups.  People staring at me, I started to get stressed.  Constant chatter, disgruntled people, irritated at this long wait, compalining, I mean complaining....(you see, schizophrenia has also affected some of my cognitive skills, so I will type some words incorrectly...it is not bad typing skills, it is my brain...still trying to figure that part of this illness out)...I was not comfortable.  I also was stressing out over taking my medicine, worrying if I took too many classes, Pell Grant Issues, I mean, I have had some morning/day.  For me, as soon as I got out of the building, books in tow, I got into my car, (yes, I do drive) and I found myself just staring forward, in an almost catatonic state.  It took me a few minutes to regain my composure.  Familiarize myself with my comfortable car surroundings, and happy to be going HOME.  Now, not everyone that as schizophrenia experiences these types of issues, however, many also cannot even go to school.  I, being unable to work, have decided that I do need to, continue my education.  Though, it is very, very hard to do.   I mean, HARD.  I had to drop several classes last semester, so I am on "academic probation, Pell Grant" status, meaning, in order for me to continue to receive my pell grant, I have to take a full-load of courses. Twelve credits. Yikes!  Okay, okay, so you may be thinking: but you are home, disabled, and should have realtive ease with this task.  Well, the fact is, that no, this is not the case.  I have cognitive impairments, memory issues, symptom flare-ups, stress management issues, anxiety, paranoia that is at roller-coaster levels, not to mention, a touch of OCD (obsessive-complusive disorder)(though not fully diagnosed as such), ADHD (attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder), and a mayriad of personal issues going on, of which are hard enough to live with on a dialy basis.  Now, that being said, all of these symptoms or issues do not necessarily occur at the same time, though, much of the time, this is the case, especially when under duress, such as was the case today at college.  Well, I am hopeful that I will make it with passing grades this semester (I say this because, I used to have a 4.0 average... then that dropped, not only due to my paranoid schizophrenia and other assorted disorders, but that was the main factor in the drop of my GPA (grade point average)), so I am now seeking passing grades.  Being a perfectionist type personality on top of all of the above, I had to accept and realize that the fact is I may not be able to continue to make such a high GPA.  This was upsetting to my self-esteem, and to my psyche.  I am not being negative, I do look forward with intention to succeed with high grades, but I also have to be realistic.  I have learned that my memory has been directly inpacted by this illness. My cognitive skills have been directly affected as well.  My ability to concentrate for long periods of time have been affected.  My time management has also been affected because one cannot gauge when symptoms will flare-up and to what degree, among other things.  I am sincere when I say that I have been affected in ways by my paranoid schizophrenia that to date, I still am amazed by.  My illness is not an excuse to allow failure, nor is it an excuse to not try.  Trying, I am doing.  And it is, well, trying.  I am sure many of you out there who have been living with schizophrenia, or maybe have just recently been diagnosed, can relate to some or all of this that I have said.  This mental illness is by far the most difficult illness I have ever had to come to terms with, and the hardest part, is accepting that I will be a paranoid schizophrenic for the rest of my (hopefully wonderful and fulfilling) life.  It is a life long illness, except for the very, very few, and this acceptance is what makes me able to push the envelope, so to speak, and reach out and take college courses.  I believe it is necessary to exercise the mind as much as possible, and am hopeful this will help my cognitive impairments, or at least help me to be able to learn and use new and already being used coping skills.  I will keep you posted as to my progress, good and/or bad, and will continue to write this blog daily, because I feel it is important for all to understand this mental illness.  I am happy to note, that MOST of my classes are online, as the local community college offers some classes online, and for me this is ideal.  It allows me to work at my own pace, I do not have to deal with the issue of social phobia and paranoia related to going to the actual college, yet I will be there for a few hours a week, which will maybe give me the opportunity to learm how to handle these symptoms and issues.  It also gives me the ability to possibly re-learn how to socialize, even if it is just "hello", and I am very hopeful my paranoia will not overtake me....So, I am happy that most of this semester will be done online.  I have much less stress this way, and still I am able to get a taste of college life on campus.  Should I have any major issues this semester, I am sure you will hear about it, and if I have any major breakthroughs you will hear about this also.  I hope that this has been informative, empowering, and has given realistic expectations for those who live with schizophrenia.  Some of you may be far ahead of me, some may be far behind, some may be just beginning to understand life with schizophrenia.  As always, I am open to all questions, suggestions, and comments.  Thank you for reading this today, I know it has been quite long, however, I hope you enjoyed this and/or got something out of this today.  Until tomorrow- Remember: Take it s l o w, be kind to yourself, allow yourself some room for new things, manage your symptoms the best you can, and above all, love yourself NO MATTER WHAT!!!