Back to business as usual???

Well, I hope you all had a nice holiday..... Overall my holiday was nice, however, I feel it is now "back to business" time...Meaning that it is back to doing what I normally do.  Because I am disabled by my mental illness,I have come to find that writing is a great coping mechanism and therapy for me.  I had a great night's sleep, for a change, and now I am just eager to get the house cleaned up and also eager to continue to disucss schizophrenia.  I received a few books over this season, concerning mental health and wellness and am eager to share what I learn from them.  On a sad note, I have had to cut back to two classes this semester, as I am trying to go to college, however, due to my illness, I have been unable to keep up with the demands and the social aspect of college.  I am 37, however, it is not my age slowing me down, it is my illness.  I have realized that my cognitive issues that surround schizophrenia have really hit me hard.  I am unable to have a "regular" job, due to multiple factors surrounding my illness.  Therefore, I have resorted to writing as part of my therapy, as it is an ongoing issue.  Coping.  This is a big part of my life.  I will, this coming year, be going into greater detail about therapies, coping skills and the like.  But for now, I am just focusing on the illness itself.  It is debilitating, for so many of us.  You see, people look at us on the outside, and say "you look fine to me" and things such as this, however, the truth is, on the inside we are not "fine" much of the time.  Socially, I have had many issues.  I am continuously at the psychiatrist's or in therapy, or with my community service provider, working through this illness.  Now, with the new laws that are being put into place, there is a chance I will lose my community support that I am so desparately in need of.  Of course, there are other options available, but what works for me, is being changed, so I am having to cope with that issue.  I am hopeful that everything will work out okay, because I have found that community support therapy helps me quite a bit.  Also, the disability services available at the local college help as well.  I will go into more details later on, however, I am just thankful that I am doing well with my medication and am able to continue to write.  I hope this will continue.  As the New Year approaches, I have decided not to make any resolutions, because I am already doing what I can.  Considering I have other associated disorders as well, it is best not to put undue pressure on myself with resolutions, etc.  Regardless of that, I am back to writing, and I am happy about that.  I will be talking about mood swings, emotional issues, cognitive issues and much more to come in the near future.  For all of those living with schizophrenia, as I am, just remember you are not alone. 

Christmas Day 2009..... Been up since 3:00a.m.

Hello.... It is Christmas morning, and the weather is not so cold today.  I know because I had to run out at 3:30a.m. to go to Walgreen's for a last minute gift...and last minute stress.  You see, I was not planning on having guests come over on this day.  I need to know that in advance, because it causes me anxiety. High Anxiety.  Regardless, one of my dad's friends is coming over for Christmas Dinner.  Yes, and I have to cook it.  O.K. So, now I definitely have to make things prepared right.  Not so easy when you have schizophrenia.  I say this because now I am in charge of making sure that everyone eats a proper dinner.  I was/am not prepared for this.  I know, it is only one extra person, right?  Well, it is still difficult to deal with.  Conversating, cooking, being sociable.... wow, a lot to deal with, for me, at least.  So, I have all the food for the dinner.  I have the gift for the guest.  I also have a total mess in my home, as we began to celebrate last night.  Wrapping paper, gifts, overwhelming.  My mother, is ill and cannot do what she used to.  My father is...well, he's not a cook, nor a cleaner.   Hence, I am "in charge".... This is going to be fun...So, I am doing the best I can to cope with the situation...I know Christmas is a wonderful day of family and friends, food, and great gifts. But, for a person with schizophrenia, like myself, it is overwhelming.  I have been coping well, though, considering my situation.  Thank goodness it is only one extra person.  I hope that things go well.  I will do my best to have things go correctly, but I need time for myself.  I am not very sociable face to face with people who tend to stress me.  I also was planning on not having to get all dressed up and socialize.  However, such is the situation.  So, I will handle it.  I know I can.  It is very sad, because before I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, I used to LOVE to make big dinners, have get togethers, but after the onset of the illness, all of that changed.  Now, I may not feel the symptoms right at this moment, but I will feel the effects later.  I know because I went through this last year.  However, I do not want to bring everyone down, on this joyous day for so many, so I will just say Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it, may all of you who live with schizophrenia "survive" this holiday season, and remember, if you are feeling depressed, lonely, or overwhelmed this day or this season, just know that it will be okay.  If I can make it through this, you can too!

Dec.24th... Christmas Eve.... Symptom Flare-ups abound!

Greetings all, and Happy Holidays to all of those who are celebrating..... Well, it is the day before Christmas... Last minute shopping, dinner preparations, family visits....it can be hectic.  At this time of the year, I tend to have symptom flare-ups.  My anxiety abounds and I have been stressed over preparations for the family.  I have also had some relationship issues, which added to my anxiety levels...You know, family stuff.  Often times, family members and others do not understand what life is like having Paranoid Schizophrenia, or other mental disorders for that matter, and do not realize the internal stress and anxiety that appears in those afflicted with these illnesses.  This can cause great stress, especially around the holiday season, because often times, our emotions are not on the same level as those who are family or friends, who are not afflicted with this illness or others.  That is when I hear the "just be happy", "smile a little bit", and there is a tendency for family to get annoyed that I don't seem happy and jovial.  One of the symptoms if schizophrenia is blunting of emotions, so though we may really feel happy about something, we do not necessarily show it, or express it, and sometimes we don't feel those emotions.  This is difficult to deal with.  As a person with schizophrenia, I can tell you that this causes great distress for me, and also, old memories seem to resurface, making it even more complicated.  That is why I keep it simple.  I do not attend holiday parties, nor do I have masses of people over for the holidays.  It is too much for me.  I need to have consistency, order, and a routine.  anything that breaks this routine makes it difficult for me to process, and I am often misunderstood.  I am sure other schizophrenic's can relate to this.  With all of that being said, I am hopeful for a calm, stress-free holiday season.  I am making sure I contiinue using my coping skills, and always have my councelor's number handy incase I have a stressful situation.  Also, I have made sure that my family understands, or at least is aware, that I have soome issues during this time.  I am looking upward, of course, not focusing on the negative's, not focusing on the stress, and managing my anxiety.  I wish everyone a happy holiday season. 

Wednesday, the day before Christmas Eve..... Hectic as Heck!

Hello all... Today is the day that everyone will be out shopping i am sure.  Yesterday, I experienced some symptoms that were almost unbearable.....Anxiety up the gazoo, and I was just stressed out.  I Had to go out for a last minute item, and was overwhelmed with the crowds.  I do not do well in crowds.  They stress me to say the least.  However, I ended up at Barnes and Noble Booksellers and found a new book on schizophrenia (I think I own them all now), however, it is called Diagnosis Schizophrenia, A Comprehensive Resource, by Rachel Miller and Susan E. Mason.   I perused the book, and I found it quite interesting because it discusses the negative symptoms of schizophrenia, not just the hallucinations, delusions, etc., all the symptoms that are experienced with schizophrenia, however, little is written on how to handle the negative symptoms: the lack of interest, apathy, and the like.  Also, ANXIETY.  I think this will be a great read, some personal accounts as well as how those people cope with these effects.  I am excited to read this new book.  I am endlessly searching for comprehensivebooks on schizophrnia and its effects, as well as literature on the brain  mechanisms and what happens to the brain when someone is afflicted with mental illness..... So, I suggest you go out and get this one.... Otherwise, just waiting patiently for the holiday to come and go, I am looking forward to being with my parents this holiday season, but am missing a few people, they know who they are!  Anyway, I am feeling rather good today, considering yesterday's overwhelming bout with anxiety, panic attacks, and overall stress.  I am convinced that the holidays do enhance symptoms, especially the negative ones, at least for me.  I also bought the book, Awaken The Giant Within, By Anthony Robbins (I just love Anthony Robbins), as I have the CD sets of his, but wanted it on paper...Greta motivational and inspirational way to motivate yourself and understand your emotions.  I recommend Lessons In Mastery as well.  Until tomorrow, take care everyone, and relax, don't rush, try not to stress, and just enjoy the holiday season, no matter what or how you celebrate them!

Yule was great yesterday..... However......

Well, today is Tuesday, the day after Yule (Winter Solstice) and I had a small celebration for the holiday.  It was nice, but not what I was hoping it would be.  Because of my paranoid schizophrenia, I suffer from soome cognitive isssues, as well as some other issues, as far as concentration and things like that (very similar to ADHD, of which I was previously diagnosed...now I wonder if it was early signs of my schizophrenia...) so I had a hard time with some of the rituals and things that I was doing.  However, next year will be better I am sure.  I am sure that there are many of you who have schizophrenia that suffer from some of these same symptoms, such as memory issues, lack of interest, lack of concentration at times, etc.  These are all "normal" symptoms and part and parcel of having schizophrenia.  I had a conversation with a very nice woman, who also has schizophrenia, paranoid type.  She and I talked about how we look through the blinds, lock the doors, and just the general stresses of having paranoia.  She was happy to not be alone in this feeling.  So am I, though I wish this illness on no one, it is nice to be able to share in the same feelings, understanding one another perfectly.
In  my day to day life, I come across many people living with schizophrenia.  Thatis because I make an effort to reach out to those living with mental illness.  It is rewarding.  I am happy that I am able to give people comfort as they cope with this diagnosis of schizophrenia.  Those of us who have had this illness for some time can understand that feeling when you first begin to live with the illness.  There is a great need to reach out to others for support, though many do not because of either fear, or they just are plain nervous to reach out.
Support is one of the most important aspects of the "recovery" process of living with schizophrenia, as it is a life-long illness.  For many, especially in the beginning, this is a real blow.  That is why it is so important to reach out or accept when someone is reaching out to you for support.  Living with the illness is not easy, for some it is nearly impossible, and yet for others it is not so bad.  There are many support groups available online, and also there are many around the world, depending on where you live. Some more populous places will have more support groups, but it is up to us to seek them out. NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) has support(peer to peer) groups, in just about every area of the United States.  Check their website, http://www.nami.org/, for your local state, city, and chapter.  There are also other groups available as well, you just have to do a little research.  This may be difficult if you are experiencing symptoms that are very prevalent, so ask someone close to you for assistance.
It is vital to have the support of your family, should you have the luxury of having a family, and it is also vital that they are educated about schizophrenia.  I hope everyone reading this has at least one family member who is of great support. 
I also want to extend out my hand to those who are in need of support...please contact me if you need support, want to talk, or have any questions regarding schizophrenia.  Please contact ebohn72@yahoo.com if you have any questions or comments.  Also, please visit me on Facebook, and join the groups: Schizophrenia Online Connection and Listen To Me!.... Thank you for your continued support, and please keep reading!!!

Well, it is the Monday before Christmas, and it is also Yule....

Greetings everyone. Today is Monday, that hectic day, and even more hectic as the holidays approach us.  It is Yule, that wonderous holiday that I celebrate, the Winter Solstice.  The celebration of the rebirth of the Sun, the longest night of the year, Introspection, and Planning for the future.... I am Wiccan so this is a big day for me.  I read in my horoscope that my optimism will return today, so I am happy to note that it is correct.  I am having a great morning, low anxiety, and high hopes for the new year.  All of this aside, I want to touch on something.  As a Paranoid schizophrenic, the holidays can be a time of great stress, especially in my case, as I have had a=some horrible times in mental hospitals, around the holiday season.  I also was in psychosis one year, and that was a devistating experience for my family, who tried to get me involved in their festivities, however, I was too far gone.  I have come to respect my schizophrenia, yes, respect it.  It is something that is quite difficult to live with, and memories can also trigger symptoms and bring on that oh so wonderful depression.  I am happy to announce this season I so far have had little trouble with memories of past issues, though they do creep up on me from time to time.  Thank goodness for Geodon, the medication I take for my schizophrenia.  Also, thank goodness for other meds, but most of all, thank goodness for learning positive coping skills.  Without that, I would be in constant fear and agony.  I would like to take this time to recommend some book I have found of great value to me, some are schizophrenia specific, some are just about the brain, how to use cognitive therapy, and the like.  So, Blessed Be all, Happy Yule to all of my fellow Yule friends around the world, and Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates. I did not include, but did not forget Kwaanza, the Athiests, and all others.  I wish EVERYONE around the world a happy Winter Season.  Here are the books:
**Cognitive Therapy and The Emotional Disorders, by Aaron T. Beck
**The Anxiety Book, Developing strength in the Face of Fear, by Jonathan Davidson, M.D. (very good)
**Brain Rules, by John Medina
**Schizophrenia For Dummies (I know I know, I don't usually read these books, but there is some quite useful information within its pages)
**Surviving Schizophrenia, A Manual for Families, Patients, and Providers, by E. Fuller Torrey, M.D.
**New Developments in the Biology of Mental Disorders, by The Research & Education Association
**The Center Cannot Hold, by Elyn R Saks ( a personal account)
**Trauma and Recovery, by Judith Herman, M.D. ( this one is about general trauma from domestic violence to polkitical terror)
       This is a very, very small compilation of books to begin with, there are many more.  I have also realized that there is a great deal of insight in the DSM IV, the Diagnostic Manual that doctors use to diagnose patients, however, it is quite pricey ( between $95.00-over one hunderd dollars) , but is worth having on the shelf.
Until tomorrow, Erica

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday....Yes, it's Sunday

  Hello all.. It is a freezing cold Sunday morning here in the Carolinas.  My paranoia is not at a high level this morning, which is a GOOD thing.  I came across a good question this morning.... How do you handle paranoia?  Well, there are many ways to try to get a grasp on paranoia.  First of all, paranoia is a very stressful emotion and feeling.  It is no fun being paranoid. Those of you who struggle with paranoia can relate, I am sure.   Constant worry about someone or something being "out to get you", wondering "who is that driving by", "why is everyone staring at me"..... all of these things swirling around in your brain.  There are also physical symptoms that happen, rapid heartbeat, tremors, sweating, and more.  When this happens, we think to ourselves, "how can I handle this?  why won't this feeling go away?" or, if you are having extreme paranoia, thoughts are more like "the phone is tapped", "the FBI is watching me", " I know that everyone is after me"......How stressful!  It can be crippling.  Some of us will not leave our homes, answer the phone, even avoid family and friends.  Alll because of paranoia.  Some of the best ways to handle paranoia, aside from medication, is to step outside your home, answer the phone, use positive self talk.  Ask yourself, " why would everyone be staring at ME?"....there is no reason, because everyone is not staring at you.  Analyzing rationally your thoughts can help you go a long way.  This is all easier than it sounds, believe me.  When I was in psychosis, there was no way to convince me that people were not after me, staring at me, the announcers on the radio were talking directly to me, even the television.... the newscasters were talking to me, about me.... I was Paranoid.  But, it was so real.  NO, this was really happening, I would say to myself.... Oh my god, please stop talking about me..... Have you ever felt or feel this way?  It is very stressful.  It is scary.  It consumes your thoughts, and it diminishes your trust in everyone and everything.  Time to seek help.... Well, it took a long time, a lot of therapy, and a lot of support and of course, medication.  Several hospitalizations were also required to get me to realize all of this was my Paranoid Schizophrenia.  I have been living with this for several years now, and thankfully, at this point, do not have those really paranoid thoughts anymore.  Sure, sometimes I feel that people are staring at me, or talking about me, but I am able now to just brush it off, most of the time.  Besides, what is so exciting about me that they would be talking about?  They don't know I am schizophrenic.  They don't even know me.  And yes, people do look at one another, it is natural.  Otherwise, everyone would be looking at the ground all the time.  So, if you are also experiencing or have experienced Paranoia, you can understand what I am saying here.  Just remember, tell yourself,  I knowI have an illness, I know I am paranoid, and I know that this is just part of my illness.  I am safe, I am secure, I am okay.